woke up to the sound of a fish dancing on top of my head
telling me about how my dad might miss his parents
the real world
the people protesting to reopen disneyland
your newly single pals in middle management
boneheads
risking it all, meaning a duplex in kansas
with a bored wife and two asshole kids
for a low-standards bottle waitress
you like pasta, right?
tell her about it!
the ongoingness
the 300 arguments
a stiff husk, like the sloughed off exoskeleton of a huge insect
emily also has a weird boyfriend!
seamless and yet very impressive
i wanted Xanax!
i wanted Klonopin!
the power of inventory
the sorrow of the disconnected
i resented it
resented being called an american
i buy a lot of face washes from targeted instagram ads
buy yourself a better brand of eyeliner and stop worrying about it
neutrogena smells like rich people but you can get it from target
i chase down the bartender to close my tab
get my coat from coat check
feel bad because i dont have paper money to tip the check attendant
be cold and outside again
then take my chances getting into somewhere else with a seat that hopefully nobody barfed in
was i ever this young and tolerant
i get it
i’m 27
but damn
i order whiskey so i can take the tiniest sip in front of my friends to prove i’m not not a part of it
sure i’ve been drinking only water ever since and I lost the glass “by accident”
but remember when I had that Jameson?
love handing my credit card to a man with a mustache and a leather bar apron
then waving to the 4 or so people I came in with
sink into a plush banquette and try not to move your sloshing stomach
an accomplishment
see the horrid aging of your last night's lipstick flashing across a reflective surface
despair sets in
what can I expect to accomplish at 7am
why the fuck did I agree to this
oh yes
a dirtbag life hack
you can keep your friendships intact without trying not to like shit on instagram
twitter is an appropriate place to fight about 9/11
we like to wake up naturally
gripped by a sudden heart-pounding panic
the sun slicing through my noon-slept eyelids
count stars
count mercedes benzes
count the years you have left to live
the prison center
the criminal ocean
a reminder of my vanity still intact
a good lesson
using a bidet is just recycling water from your ass
let's fight about it
dear diary
first rule of being a person
all offense to every greg i’ve ever met
how do you keep finding out where i live
i heard that you’ve been drinking soylent
you should stop it
yes i am shaming your shitty eating habits
get used to it
i am doing my best to do better at paying attention
when did ferris bueller start dating the hot witch from hocus pocus
corrective orgasm and circumcision
are boytoys still boys if you never play with them
have you considered being dutch
considered lead poison
besides all of that
my towels smell like mildew but i ignore it
my uncle threw a fit when my mom told his nurses he was a heroin addict
she told them because he was taking the highest pain medication you could for no reason
idiot
we’re not fucking stupid
a literal kid living perpetually inside of other people’s basements
glen and sharon
two sides of the same head
centering down onto the world of insufficience and panic
we love to see it
the middle age march of sickness
the trauma submerged from each generation
jampacked in a whole ass person
did you guys know there’s a third blair witch project
last shot of civilization aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand

they’re dead?